Fight or flight. It’s something I struggle with, constantly. When things get intense, and I face a stressful situation or decision, I take flight. I hightail it out of there. I have a fear of failure, so I never take the risks. Ironic really, since fleeing from the situation and never taking a chance has a guaranteed 100% failure rate…
I’ve heard it’s not uncommon to become overwhelmed in Yoga Teacher Training; there are so many elements to yoga. For me, I think it has been the new knowledge and heightened understandings of the theory of yoga.
Yoga is not just asana practice, and I knew this when I started. But, wow, there is so much to it. My study, my reflections, the things it’s brought up for me, were intense. I fled. I hid. I willed myself to return. I thought about the time passing and the moments I were wasting and the experiences I had lost by hiding out, but it didn’t change the fact that I was overwhelmed and scared. Teacher Training was going to change me. And as much as I like to say that I understand change: change is essential and clinging to staticity causes suffering, I did it anyway.
Why? Well, I don’t know. I guess because change is new. Change is different. Change is unknown. I have an ego. My ego is linked to the ‘who’ I am now. I feared the ‘who’ I was going to become. My partner loves the ‘who’ I am now, what if my transformation pulls us apart?
(Now might be a the time to mention that I am a worrier, with possibly some anxiety issues…)
I withdrew from my home practice, and my meditative practice.
No. I was not changing.
Except, then I did.
Kind of an epiphany. A turning point, at least for the moment.
I started my Teacher Training because I wanted this journey. My blog, ‘Moving Inward’, was purposefully titled because I knew that a journey lay ahead.
A journey inward.